WHAT SIZE IS MY DILDO?

If you’ve ever shopped for a dildo online, you’ve probably noticed something odd: every company seems to be using a different measuring system, and some of them appear to be using it upside‑down.

One brand calls ten inches “XL”.
We have some starting at 9 inches being small.
A few even throw in “XXXXL”, usually to justify a price tag that could fund a weekend away.

Why the chaos?
Because there is no industry standard for dildo sizing. None. Zero. It’s a free‑for‑all.  It's a free for all in the Wild West.

Why Dildo Sizing Is a Complete Mess

Here’s why comparing sizes across brands is like comparing apples to traffic cones:

Insertable length vs total length

Some measure the whole thing.
Some measure only the usable part.
Some measure whatever makes the number look impressive.

Girth

A toy can be:

• short but thick
• long but slim
• medium but shaped like a medieval battering ram

Yet all three might be labelled “Large”.

Firmness

A soft toy and a firm toy of the same size feel completely different.

Ballage

Yes, this is a real factor.
Balls add length, weight, and occasionally a sense of intimidation.

Marketing labels

“XXXL”, “Mega”, “Monster”, “Titan”…
Sometimes it’s less about size and more about sales.

Why John Thomas Toys Uses S/M/L/XL (and Why It Makes Sense)

We aren't saying we have all the answers, we're just explaining our method and why it works for the range that we sell.

At John Thomas Toys, we don’t do ego‑inflation, ruler‑stretching, or “XXXXL” labels designed to bump up the price.  Instead, we use a simple, easy to follow system.

All our products are available in 4 sizes, so we label them as: S, M, L, XL

But — and this is important — our sizes are not a comment on anatomy, masculinity, or anything else.

They’re simply relative sizes within a single model.

Think of it like clothing:

• S doesn’t mean “you’re small”
• It means “this is the smallest version of this design”

We could just as easily call them A, B, C, D.
The letters don’t matter — the measurements do.

Every product page includes:

• total length
• insertable length
• girth
• firmness
• shape details

Those are the numbers that actually help you choose the right toy for you.

Our S/M/L/XL system is just a tidy way to compare versions of the same model without needing a calculator or a support group.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  Our sizing is not a challenge, taking the Original Tentacle in XL does not mean you are ready for the Kraken in XL!  These two products are designed to offer a complementary progression.

How to Choose the Right Size (The Sensible Way)

1. Start with insertable length

Balls affect where the line is, we're not all John McEnroe (apologies to the under 50's now googling John McEnroe).

2. Check the girth

Girth changes the experience more than length.  When you are training on stretching - this is the most important number.

3. Consider firmness

Softer = more forgiving
Firmer = more intense

4. Look at the shape

Curved, straight, tapered, flared — they all behave differently.  When you are depth training or stretching, the shape will matter for where you want the widest part to be.  They all have a purpose - and a sweet spot.

5. Ignore the marketing labels

“XXXXL” doesn’t mean anything without measurements.
Sometimes it just means “XXXXL price”.

 

Final Thoughts

Sizing a dildo shouldn’t feel like revising for a maths exam. It should be simple, clear, and judgement‑free.

That’s why at John Thomas Toys, our S/M/L/XL system is designed to help you compare versions of the same model — not compare yourself to anyone else or us to any other brand. The real sizing comes from the detailed specifications we provide for every product.

Because in the end, the only size that matters…
is the one that feels right for you.